In my opinion, as humans, our greatest longings are the needs for connection with others and the opposite needs for space and individuality. These two needs can somtime work in conflict with each other. The need for connection forces us to have the desire to develop relationships with other individuals in the forms of friendships, significant others, spouses, etc. The need for space and individuality sometimes creates narcissism/selfishness with these same relationships. This can really cause "drama" in your relationships. What a setup for problems?!!
There is an ever increasing number of breakups in relationships & marriages as a result of the role and amount of selfishness that had found its way in. According to Merriam-Webster, selfishness is defined as a few different things:
1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; pleasure or well-being without a regard for others
2. arising from concern with one's welfare or advantage in disregard of others
3. being genetic material solely concerned with its own replication
In all three definiitions, the common theme is being concern solely with oneself. In retrospect, a relationship can be defined as a state of relating, kinship, etc with two or more individuals. Simply looking at the two definitions, selfishness and relationship, you can even see that these two definitions are in contradiction to each other.
Selfishness can manifest itself many different ways in a relationship. It can be something as simple as forgetting to call if you're coming home later than usual, to not inviting your significant other to a gathering, to having an affair with another person. If you are working at a relationship daily then your first and foremost concern should be the other person. Consider their feelings, or what kind of food they like. Since we as human beings are naturally selfish it will take some work to get past that. However, it can be done.
So, in my opinion, the more love one has in their heart, the less room one has to be selfish. The less love one has in their heart, the more room there is for selfishness. This goes the same with relationships. Relationships that have lots of love in the foundation are the ones that have less room for selfishness and vice versa. Just as the Bible defines love, I'd like to show what God has said through the Apostle Paul about love: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
If one works towards this type of love in all of their relationships, then there would not be much room for selfishness. However, I do know this is easier said than done, but with the right attitude and faith, one can easily break this chain/bondage of selfishness.
I agree that if you are in a relationship, especially a marriage, your concern should be for that other person and you should consider their feelings. However, I think there should also be a balance. As you stated earlier, in addition to our needs of connection for people, we also need space to be individuals. I believe that a person should be able to obtain both to a certain point. While your roles may make you a mother or wife, you were just yourself before. While you were this individual, you developed some quarks that made you who you are. Sometimes people need to be able to go back to this point to remind them what made them who they are so they won’t feel overwhelmed by their new roles or feel like they have lost themselves. However, this should not be at the cost of the current relationship you are in. All this takes is communication and understanding from the individuals involved.
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